About Remus
by Abegweit
Summary: How do you know when you're in love? When do you know? Can you tell me?...
1. Beginning

A/N: This is my first try at fanfiction. Please be kind!

Disclaimer: No character in this story, except for Emily and Philippa, is mine. They all belong to the wonderful Ms. J K Rowling.

**ABOUT REMUS**  
  
CHAPTER 1: BEGINNING  
  
_ I don't know when it began, rightly. I don't know when it was that his face began to seem sweeter, his eyes more enchanting, and he himself more beautiful; not in body but in mind and soul. I don't know when it is that I fell in love... I only know that it was during sixth year that I finally realised I was in love with him._  
  
Let me introduce myself. My name is Emily Morgan and I'm a witch. I go to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm a seventh year, and about to take my N.E.W.Ts. Somehow, I felt I needed to write this. "Well," Lily and Philippa would say, "that's not a very surprising thing. You've always been a compulsive writer." So I have.  
  
I will begin from the beginning. Because that is how a story must be.  
  
I shall begin with a bit of background information about my family. The Morgans have almost always been what Malfoy would call pureblood. But not quite. I have an Uncle, a distant one, who is a professional interior designer and a three cousins through him. However, his wife is a witch. So you see, I'm well versed in both the magical and Muggle ways of life. Forgive me if this bores you. But I want you to know something about me before we go on into the crux of my story. I want you to know that I'm not some girl obsessed with good-looking boys, nor one who can talk of anything but them. I know for a fact that most people consider me good to talk to because I can talk back to them about anything under the sun and I can give advice that suits them, I think. But, I'm not such a mature person so as to learn from the mistakes others make. If I'd been that way, this wouldn't have happened.  
  
One fine day in the month of August, a handsome young owl crossed the grounds of Oakley, residence of the Morgans, out in the Scottish country. He stopped by the kitchen window, savouring the smell of stew and other delicious things that Joanna was cooking. He stepped right into the kitchen, having finally found his destination. And a letter dropped into my lap. In my excitement, I tore it open, to find what I was expecting to find. An acceptance letter into Hogwarts. Much rejoicing took place, as people are wont to say.  
  
Then about a week later, Mother and I went down to Diagon Alley, arranging with Tom for a room at the Leaky Cauldron. We bought all my school stuff, including an owl and a magic wand. The Owl was a really handsome tawny, and I immediately named him Gwaihir, after one of the main eagles in the Lord of the Rings, a favourite book. My wand was oak and dragon heartstring, 10 ½ inches long. Excellent for Transfiguration and Charms, so Mr. Ollivander said.  
  
It was outside Ollivander's that I first saw him. A slight boy with light brown hair and a tired looking face that would have made anyone look on in pity. I smiled, he did not. May be he did not see me; at least, that is how I comfort myself.  
  
I saw him again, close to a week later, at Platform 9 ¾. He was with his parents, a distinguished man and a smiling woman, who both looked as if they could be quite nice and fun.  
  
I found an empty carriage, and tried my level best to get my huge trunk up into the carriage. Just then, two boys came along to help me. When I thanked them, they saluted and were off.  
  
I got into my carriage and looked out of the window. Mother was talking to the parents of the boy with the light brown hair. She saw me and waved to me. Just then 11 o' clock struck and Mother came running forwards to me. I kissed her and promised her a thousand letters, and then we were off!  
  
Me being who I am, I took out a book (The Return of the King) and promptly began reading. About half an hour later, the compartment door opened with a certain amount of unnecessary noise and startled, I looked up. The two boys who had helped me and the boy with the light brown hair and another short, stocky little boy came rushing in. By the looks of it, they'd dropped more than the required amount of Dungbombs in the corridor. Needless to say, Prefects weren't pleased. Catching sight of the very startled me, the boy with the shock of messy black hair bowed deeply. The others followed suit. From the expressions on their faces, I gather my face was still blank.  
  
Then he spoke, "I don't think we introduced ourselves. I'm James Potter, this is Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin."  
  
"I'm Emily. Emily Morgan. Pleased to meet you." _I've found out his name, Remus. I wonder whether he has a brother named Romulus. I guess Romulus is busy running Rome!  
_  
"Yes, well. Pleased to have met you too. But for our sake, if anyone asks you, you've never even heard of us," said Sirius.  
  
I laughed. "I get your point, Sirius. But I think you should go now. A Prefect is coming this way. I can a tiger growling."  
  
They grinned back and were off again.  
  
I settled down to Stewards of Gondor again, not to be disturbed for a while. Around noon, the plump woman we are all familiar with came with her trolley of food, and I satisfied my gnawing stomach.  
  
I think I must have fallen asleep after my satisfying lunch, because when I woke up, there were two more girls in my compartment. A girl with long red hair and startling green eyes and another with raven black hair and crinkly brown eyes. Both equally and astonishingly pretty. Lily Evans and Philippa Henderson. Now my best friends. I don't know how we began talking, or how we got closer. We just did. Events made us grow closer, because we found comfort in each other. Phil's favourite Uncle died fighting Death Eaters. Lily's sister sent her hate mail. My Aunt died in a field where she had been attending to injuries of Aurors as a Mediwitch.  
  
Anyhow, I was sorted into Gryffindor and so were Lily and Phil, and them. The first year passed without much incident, except that we came to dread morning mail; the Prophet would almost always have news of killings of families Muggle and magical. And I noticed that Remus Lupin went missing for a day or two every month. Lily, Phil and I weren't close enough to James, Sirius, Remus and Peter for me to ask him why. And so the year rolled away.  
  
James was made Chaser in our Second year, and since I became Chaser as well, we got closer. I came to regard him as a kind of brother and friend. The Quidditch Cup, after an interval of twelve years, had Gryffindor written in bold gold letters on it again. I tried my best to find out where Remus went every month. But as it so usually happens, subtle ways don't work. And so second year went away too.  
  
Third year became a hallmark for Lily, Phil and me. We shone in all the subjects we chose, which was practically everything, except Muggle Studies. We did not particularly fall in love with Divination, while many of our fellow third-years did, especially a band of girls - Elizabeth, Catherine, Julia and Rita. They were very nice girls, with just that one little fault! Since Sirius was Lily's partner in Charms, we got a chance to get very much closer to them. It was then, I think, that I began this crazy want to become friends with Remus. He seemed to me to be the quiet but brilliant one, but sometimes wild and funny, with a very nice smile and a very sweet disposition.


	2. Events

A/N: Sorry about the very long wait, guys. I've been having exams non-stop. We've got hols now. I hope you like this. R&R, please!

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own all this. I mean, how could you even doubt?

**CHAPTER 2: EVENTS**

Things began to happen in fourth year. All this is strictly in confidence, remember. Our partners in Charms were made permanent for the year, and I got James; Lily, Remus; Phil, Sirius and Julia, Peter.

Then Phil, who had been proclaiming herself to be immune to all kinds of romance dancing around our year since Valentine's Day last year, succumbed to the very thing herself. She fancied Sirius.

When Lily and I found out, we were aghast. We couldn't believe it. This was Phil – Phil who never went back on her word. Here was she admitting the very weakness herself. It took us a whole night to get used to it. Then we became as all friends do – teased her whenever we could without giving Sirius the least clue. It was rewarding to see Phil go beet red at every seemingly 'innocent' remark.

I think Remus noticed it as well; he was observant. He and I had never been on speaking terms until now, and then one day after Potions, he suddenly caught up with me who was walking alone (Phil and Lily were walking with the completely oblivious Sirius and James), and said to me, with a backward glance at them, "It seems as if one of my friends has found himself an admirer. Don't you agree?" This with a cheeky smile! I tried my best to ignore him, and when he persisted, I decided to startle him, "Remus, where do you go every month?"

He stuttered, he stammered. His mother was ill, aunt was sick, grandmother was not feeling well...

It was clear as a charm was that he was lying, but I didn't pester him. I knew I would find out, eventually...

But as it was, I found myself wanting more and more to get to know the real Remus, the one he always kept behind the curtain. But I couldn't, and it made me feel frustrated and sad at the same time. I knew he could be a friend like I had never had, apart from Lily and Phil. Because somehow, I felt he had something more to offer; maybe I imagined it. It was probably because of his permanently sad eyes.

I did find out that year. I found him being 'smuggled' down through the Whomping Willow one night by Madam Pomfrey. I stayed for a while near the Willow, and heard howls that made my hair stand on end. Then I checked the charts and found that he was always ill during full moon time. I had found out his secret, at last.

But it didn't make me afraid of him. I think I felt that the real Remus was the one who was at new moon time and that the werewolf was only a split personality. In fact, it interested, fascinated me more. I now knew why he was so tired all the time, and it made me feel sorry for him. But I tried not to feel sorry, because many people, including me, don't like it when people are sorry for them.

I began to notice that James went slightly red whenever Lily smiled at him, when she handed him her Charms notes (he was her partner for fifth, the current, year; mine was Sirius – Phil didn't like that!), when she hugged him after winning a Quidditch match, when she said good morning to him. I had a feeling he had caught a little bug. But I let it go.

We all of us did well in the O.W.Ls that year. James and Sirius got ten O.W.Ls apiece, without even seeming for work for them, Phil and I got 11, Lily and Remus got 12 (Lily gloated for nights!), and Peter got seven O.W.Ls.

That was the year, I remember, that Lily and James fought their worst battle. It was just after the Charms O.W.L Theory exam. James was taunting Severus Snape, as he always did when he got a chance. Lily, being the nice and the decent, had tried to stop him, and snubbed well and truly for her try. Snape called her a Mudblood, and that is one thing she had no curt remark or weapon against. James was valiant in supporting, but was snubbed too, by Lily.

James was always annoying Lily by asking her out. And she was... aggravated, annoyed and very displeased. But it was good entertainment for all of us!

I have forgotten to mention Quidditch. It ruled part of our lives at Hogwarts. James was captain and star Chaser, Sirius was Beater. Phil was a Chaser. The rest of us avidly followed Quidditch. Every single Gryffindor-Slytherin match was charged with electricity, for Gryffindors and Slytherins had always been foes. And as Sirius said, "Foes we will be, world without end. Amen." And the Quidditch Cup stayed in Professor McGonagall's study. She was pleased! It was a mark of how happy she was with us that she didn't interrupt our party in the Common Room until 6 in the morning!

Life was fun for us. And I think, in all our fun times, we forgot about what was happening in the outside world. I say outside world, because it really did seem like that. Inside Hogwarts, we rarely worried, unless some tragedy hit us directly. And that had not happened yet. But we watched our other batch-mates suffer greatly, and I think that was when our resolve strengthened. For we never forgot that the power that had been given to us was coupled with great responsibility. Responsibility of that kind is hard to shoulder, as Professor Dumbledore, looking graver than ever, told us often. But then, we all knew where our power was to go. James, Sirius and I were bent on becoming Aurors, Lily was to be a highly qualified Healer, Phil and Remus were going to be Professors, spreading all the knowledge that they had acquired. Peter never mentioned his dream, though.

But all of this was thought and talked about only in passing. Inside the school, we were more worried about grades and Quidditch and about the doings of our own batch mates. The only time we ever felt something akin to horror, pity, sadness and righteousness was when we opened the Daily Prophet at breakfast. The front page was always painful. And always would be. That was what kept the fire inside our hearts burning well enough for us to keep our goals well in sight. And we worked towards them, slowly and silently, but purposefully.

* * *

Thanks to my reviewers:

What It Feels Like For A Girl - Thanks for beta-reading this. Actually, LotR is fantasy, the wizarding world exists! Let's just take it that way for this, shall we?

smileyspiritprincess - Thank you!!! I find third person harder. Let's just teach each other how to write in first and third, shall we? I have reviewed the Malfoy fic of yours; I love it. I adore Angst and Romance! ;) Sorry for the delay, though

MissMoony16 - Hope this doesn't dash your 'high expectations.'

Whitepaw - Sorry this took so long. Hope you like this.


	3. Black Times

A/N: Cheer me for updating this fast!!! oo-Bows gracefully to applause and cringes when a tomato hits her squarely on the nose-oo

Disclamier: You know this by heart now, surely?

**CHAPTER 3: BLACK TIMES**

Sixth year came and stayed. Life was fun for a time. We had a lovely year, as if it had been made especially for us. Or so we thought.

Once in a Transfiguration class, a note happened to pass my way. Opening it, I recognised Phil's writing – _Wanna go berry picking tonight?_ I smiled to myself. Berry picking for Phil meant she wanted to talk confidentially. I passed it to Lily after scribbling 'Yes'. Lily did the same. Phil was right. We hadn't picked berries for such a long time.

And so evening came, and we got ready to pick berries. I think that night's talk made us a lot closer than we had ever been. Words came tumbling out of our mouths without any barrier and we were happy, happy that we were still just as close, that nothing had made us grow apart. That night passed without any of us falling asleep. We talked long into the night, at first out in the grounds, then by the table, then in the common room.

It was then that we realised that Phil didn't just fancy Sirius; she might be in love with him. Lily and I were all the more aghast. We knew that it wouldn't be like Sirius to fall in love with Phil, and we tried our best to dissuade her. But once you fall in love, you must always be in love. If it is true love. Those had been Lily's words, I remember; the words of a true and hopeless romantic. That was when I first admitted that I might be - in love with Remus. Lily and Phil weren't surprised. I rather think they had been expecting something of the sort. I couldn't imagine how. But Lily said I wasn't that good at hiding things; I was horrified; 'from us,' she added hurriedly.

And it made it easier knowing that Phil and I weren't _really in love_; after all, everlasting love can't be found at sixteen, can it? Or can't it?

We never knew what waited for us on the morrow. We woke up in the common room about six, went up, showered and dressed. Breakfast began at eight. So we took a walk to the Owlery to visit Gwaihir and Ungul (he was Lily's owl), and around the Lake. We were back in time for breakfast, sitting across the table from James, Sirius, Remus and Peter who were all engaged in some hushed conversation, about some prank or about their Map, no doubt. Just then, the mail arrived.

A strange owl dropped a letter onto Phil's toast. We watched Phil feed him, and he took off. Slowly, she tore off the envelope and opened the letter, as if she were dreading the contents of the letter.

She did not say anything. Her face was white, devoid of all emotion. She just dropped the letter and dashed out of the Great Hall. We none of us wanted to read a private letter of hers, but Sirius did it anyway. This was what it said:

_Dear Miss Henderson,_

_We regret to inform you that your home, Wilwood, was attacked by Death Eaters on the night of December the 18th. Your parents and your brother were killed during the attack. The Death Eaters, though given chase, could not be captured. _

_Our sincere condolences._

_T__ruly,_

_G__enevra Holden,_

_Ministry of Magic._

No one spoke for a minute. Then Lily and I barged out of the Great Hall and into Gryffindor Tower. We stopped abruptly at our dormitory door. Phil would want to be left alone for now. She would come to us when she was ready. We turned, rather slowly and feeling so much older than we'd felt in years. Only fifteen minutes ago had we been worried about a Herbology essay we'd had to do.

Phil came down just before dinner. We had all been wondering when she would come. She said nothing, but just sat down beside Lily and me. We didn't need words.

Phil suffered a lot, I know, in those months. But she never let on. She never said a word. Sometimes, the only proof Lily and I would have was a pillow wet with salty tears. She leant on to us for support and I hope we helped her. Because the pain that comes when you lose a loved one is terribly hard to bear, as now I know only too well.

Sirius became an inseparable ghost who had taken it into him to haunt Phil. He helped her, I think, much more than James or Remus or Peter could have done. He understood her then. Phil began to regain some of the spirit of her saucy old self in several weeks' time. I remember the time she first smiled after that fatal day. Sirius tried to come up to our dorm when Phil was late, and predictably, he fell ("'Slid ungracefully' is more like it," said Lily) down the helter-skelter the stairs formed. We couldn't help bursting into laughter and even Phil laughed that day. Sirius considered it a great reward. Now that I think about it, he could've done it purposefully. But I do know that Phil came to depend on Sirius more than ever then, and they became closer friends than before.

James didn't give up asking Lily out. In March that year, Phil and I decided to bully Lily into accepting, because only then would we be free of his irritating presence. But then we found out, Lily doesn't take kindly to bullies. She bullied us back, and so we wheedled. She wouldn't give in. But I think we did make a mark on her that eventually prompted her to accept.

But somehow, even in the midst of these matters, a part of all of us realised that we were children no more, that the sorrow that had befallen one among us had touched all of us and made us grow older. So much older that we now thought more of the world outside that was waiting for us, to seal our fate for good, than the atmosphere of the school which was still rent with joyful yells, and disappointed moans.


	4. Parting

A/N: Here you go – last chapter. I really hope you've all enjoyed reading this fic as much as I've enjoyed writing it. I wanted to have a sequel for this, because I don't want Remus and Emily to be 'parted forever', but I really haven't planned anything yet. Tell me what you think, when and if you review. Thank you to all my reviewers. huggles :):)

BTW, both my other fics are supposed to be one-shot. I'm just telling you coz people keep telling me to update!

Disclaimer: Do I really have to do this? You're all so cruel! oo-goes down on knees-oo OK, OK, none of this belongs to me. Satisfied? oo-bursts into loud sobs-oo

**PARTING**

Phil came home with me during the summer holidays. It was more terrible then, for every time we opened the Daily prophet, there would be some terrible news about more deaths - Muggle killings, deaths of our own fellow-students or their families. Nearly half of Hogwarts' population wept because of personal tragedy, and all of Hogwarts wept for others and for us. Not one soul was there that was light-hearted and truly happy, unless you count the Slytherins. Even the broad smiles that appeared on many faces had pain hidden beneath the curve.

We grew up a lot in those four or five months. Our dreams took on more realistic shapes, and became more intense and strong. We had touched the core of our own sorrows, and fought them, and been winners. But not completely. You can't win when you're fighting a sorrow that threatens to swallow you up, a loss that can't be replaced. Our resolutions strengthened somehow, in view of all those tragedies and horrors. We wanted to go back to Hogwarts, and we wanted to go out into the world and fight. We weren't girls and boys now, we were men and women in our ability to endure loss, in our resilience to sorrow, in our strength to stand up to what was right and true, as opposed to what wasn't. And yet we were children in our implicit faith in the power of good against evil, in the victory of the Good against Voldemort. We should have known better.

In our Seventh year a lot happened. We were given special training in duelling, curses and counter-curses, hexes, jinxes. And Lily finally said yes to a date with James! Partly because he was pestering her non-stop, and partly because we were pestering her. And she didn't not enjoy it either. She came back with a hidden little smile on her face, which told us she was quite fond of visiting Hogsmeade with James Potter, even though it wasn't a Hogsmeade weekend.

Lily and James were Head Girl and Head Boy respectively, of Hogwarts. Lily took her duties very seriously. James however, slacked enough for both her and him together. He ignored his duties and the rules blatantly, and seemed to focus more of his energy on the duel classes. Lily, being who she is, managed to shine in both well.

Life was particularly hard for me then. Many boys had perhaps decided that I was good-looking enough, and had asked me out. But they were all of them people who I wished to retain as friends, so I turned all of them down. The one person who I wished would ask me never did. If I had been sure of his love for me, I would have told him that his being a werewolf did nothing to change or lessen my love for him. But I wasn't, and still am not, sure. Sometimes, I used to think that maybe he did think of me a bit more than James or Sirius or Peter did, but if he did, he never was open enough, and maybe I was merely imagining things. Or maybe just hoping against hope. Remus would never fall in love with someone like me, Emily Morgan, who never talked or laughed enough to please anyone and who was, plainly, a bookworm. He would go for some strong, independent girl who knew her mind well and could support his decisions well too. I'm just...not good enough. If I'd told Phil or Lily any of this, they'd have called me a dunderhead, and told me not to be stupid. They always maintained that Remus noticed me more than I gave credit for. But somehow, I think they were all wrong.

Remus hardly ever talked to me during those last few months at school. Maybe I was imagining it, but his eyes flickered towards me more often with something unreadable in his eyes. Perhaps I was looking for too many signs of his love for me. But I still cherished what seemed to me to be an impossible hope; that before school ended, Remus would tell me he loved me. He never did. We parted with nothing save vows of true friendship, faith and loyalty, and of courage in the face of despair.

I love him and I couldn't even tell him that. I wonder why the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor of all places; I should've been in Hufflepuff or something. I'm afraid. That's all there is to it. I'm scared he won't love me and then I'll lose even this little bit of friendship I have. Because Remus is now so intrinsically a part of my life that to let him go would mean so much pain. I can't live without his presence, however passive; I won't be able to live knowing that Remus detests me and thinks me a creep for my loving him. So I'll keep my love a secret and not let him know. But there were times when I was terribly afraid that he knew. But he never let on.

The most memorable days were the ones after the Christmas holidays. We all stayed at Hogwarts that year. What I mean to say is, all seventh-years stayed over at Hogwarts that year. We organized seventh-year parties, snowball fights, chess clubs, Gobstone clubs, Quidditch matches, and finally study groups. I can gladly say that we all did well for our N.E.W.Ts. But we didn't study all the time. We didn't party either. We spent hours sitting silently down by the tree near the Lake, enjoying the silence that is always comfortable when you're with friends, and savouring every last moment of our life at Hogwarts. It seemed impossible to believe that we would be leaving Hogwarts in a month.

In the end, we all pleaded with Professor Dumbledore and all the other teachers about setting up a Graduation Party exclusively for the seventh years. We were allowed to, and so, Lily went with James, Phil with Sirius, Peter with a Hufflepuff, and left with no choice, Remus went with me. I say 'no choice,' but I don't really mean it. Any girl would've said yes to going with him, but I guess he didn't want to lest they find out about his being a werewolf. So he just went with me, knowing that I knew about his condition. He danced three dances with me; I don't really know why. All the while when we were dancing, he held me close, like he was afraid of losing his grip and finding that I was there no longer. I've never felt as happy as I felt then; I could've stayed like that all night. But he let me go after the third dance and suggested that we walk through the grounds to the Lake. He didn't let go of my hands though. I hardly dared believe what I was experiencing. I remember thinking, "Would Remus hold me so close if he didn't love me? Maybe I do stand a chance after all..." Gullible me! He let my hand go soon enough and as I watched him stare moodily at the Lake, I thought I could feel some kind of fierce sorrow inside him, eating him inside out. But I didn't know what it was, and I couldn't help him.

I never told Remus I love him. I never got the chance to. May be I never used any of the chances I got. The only time I ever got close to telling Remus was during our Graduation Party. He and I were walking out in the grounds alone, because Lily and Phil were walking with their significant 'others'. I nearly said it, and then I thought, "What if he doesn't love me? I would be ruining the friendship and the affection I've got now." And I said nothing. Now I think, "What if I'd told him? Would he have told me what I wanted to hear, longed to hear?" I still don't know.

That's what hurts most - not knowing what would've happened. If I were sure, I would try to stop worrying. But I don't know...

Six years have passed since we left school. Lily and James are married and expecting their first child, living through a phase of doubt and fear; Phil and Sirius are engaged; Peter has left for some place. I've not seen much of Remus in these six years - only at parties and meetings of the Order. We've barely spoken. But I know I can never forget my love for a man who is more than what he seems...

---El Fin---

A big huggles and thank you to all my exceptionally kind reviewers:

Silencili – I really hope you enjoyed this fic. Thanks a whole bunch for your review.

Jessie Flower – Thanks for being too kind. ï 


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